I can mostly handle being Sick In The City. I don't think I can handle being Crohn's On A Plane. I definitely can't deal with being Crohn's Wears Ski Pants In Colorado.

Placing Blame

Date: January 30, 2013 at 6:55 am- by Ali- Comment(s): 42

I wrote this post last night when I was feeling far more optimistic than I am today. But rather than ditch the feelings of positivity and succumbing to my inner pissed-offed-ness, we’re going with it…

There are billions of different types of people in this world.

Today, I am here to discuss four of them.

OK, really only one of them. But first, let’s address the four types of people I’m pondering:

  1. Those who blame others for their problems.
  2. Those who blame themselves for their problems.
  3. Those who assess each situation and then place blame — either on others or on themselves — accordingly and appropriately.
  4. Those who do not concern themselves with thoughts of “blame” and instead merely acknowledge their problems, find solutions for them and move forward. These people are the world’s freaks of level-headed nature. Try as we may, some of us simply cannot understand the maturity of this Person Type #4.

For most of my life, I was Blame Person #2, as identified above. This person is also known as “The One Who Is Too Hard On Herself.”

No one wants to be on Team Ali :( :( :(
I went to a pep rally last week. A real one, at a high school, with cheerleaders and kids dressed up in overalls. I tried to sit in the section with the Wrestling team but later discovered that I wasn’t welcome there. So I sat on a bench with my coworker instead. Team Ali flying mostly solo.

I always saw myself as the root of any problem, in many cases simply because I loathe the thought of ever blaming someone else for my issues.

So when my stomach got really bad this week — yeah, Crohn’s bad — and I started thinking (OK, knowing) I was on the outer brink of a Crohn’s flare-up, my mind immediately went to myself.

What did I do wrong?

Which “bad” foods did I eat?

Why did I let this happen?

But as I laid in bed Sunday night pondering my little worries, I convinced myself to calm the crazy.

First, I am not 100% positive I’m experiencing a flare-up. I’m only like 99.6% sure, and that leaves, you know, a big margin for error. I have some very, very clear indications telling me this is a flare and I have spent the past two days feeling absolutely awful and trying to stay calm about it. But regardless of the obvious symptoms, I’m not going to fully diagnose this little setback myself. I’ll let Dreamy Dr. Shah do that this afternoon when I see him.

Secondly — and more importantly — I didn’t bring this on myself. I know I didn’t. So the self hate shit just had to come to an abrupt halt before it really started.

I haven’t necessarily been eating a balanced, healthy diet, but I continue to avoid my trigger foods. Corn-covered-fried chicken, get out of my face.

I SPY: Two cookies that appear to be chocolate chip-less. May as well throw them away. What a waste of dough.

My workouts have been less frequent and far less intense than they’ve been in years, and my stress level has been shockingly under control since the holidays passed.

I ran one whole time last week. It was on the hotel treadmill in the hotel “gym” in Louisville and it wasn’t pretty.

Work is busy. Work will always be busy. I love that it’s busy. And it’s nothing I can’t handle.

The teeny tiny plane that took my coworker and me from Charlotte, NC, to Louisville, KY, for a lovely 24-hour business trip last week.

I may not get exactly eight hours of sleep every night, but I’m hardly pulling all-nighters.

My life feels like it’s in good order — so why the digestive insanity?

I don’t know.

And I won’t concern myself with placing blame. I’m being Person #4.

Instead of pointing fingers at myself, at the people who make me crazy or at the sly piece of corn that could have snuck its way into my lunch salad, I will stay calm.

In fact, I’m weirdly chill about this right now considering I leave for vacation next week and I really do not want to be sick for that.

I can mostly handle being Sick In The City. I don’t think I can handle being Crohn’s On A Plane. I definitely can’t deal with being Crohn’s Wears Ski Pants In Colorado. Meanwhile, this is a photo of the sun setting over the Ohio River…which separates Kentucky and Indiana. I know, it doesn’t make any sense to me, either.

Again, I’m trying to learn from the mistakes I made last year. Freaking out and being crazy about a flare-up isn’t going to help anyone. It probably makes my body react in a harsher way and it pushes away the people I care about so deeply.

Maybe I’m in denial. Maybe, despite the psychotic bathroom runs, crazy pain and other ugly symptoms we’re not going to talk about this time around, I’ve just learned to be OK with this inconveniently unpredictable disease. Maybe I can take it in stride and just see what happens.

So don’t look for me on the Bridle Path this week, and you lucky wait-listers can have all my spin bikes. I’ll be doing my best to make it from my bed to the office and back.

Brian “made” me breakfast in bed this weekend. Am I a lucky girl or what? (Really what happened is I whine-yelled for him to make breakfast in bed, and as he was on his way to work he lovingly — I think — tossed a “granola bar” toward my head. I took it as a romantical gesture.)

I refuse to think that I’m having a true flare-up this early in 2013. And hey, if I am, I can handle it. I can handle anything…ish. I’m staying wildly optimistic about all this and I’m so glad I remembered to be thankful for my health every day for the past five (!!!) months.

So bring it, Crohn’s.

No, ew, I’m kidding.

Please don’t “bring it.”

Please stay away.

But just…I don’t know…let’s try to get along a little better this year, OK?

JUST BECAUSE I’M CURIOUS: Which person are you? Judgment-free zone here, as you know. But do you prefer to place blame, avoid blame or just be nasty to yourself because you’re crazy and it’s easier?

Comments (42)
Posted in Crohn's disease and tagged -
Not the most centered screen shot...please don't steal my registration number. Or my identity. Actually, go ahead and take my identity. That means you also assume responsibility for any pending payments or bank overdraft fees, right? ENJOY BEING ALI FELLER!!!

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