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If I Ruled The World
I know, it’s a scary thought.
Sometimes when I run, I’m very focused on what I’m doing. I tune in to how my legs feel, how my hip feels, how my stomach feels, how my breathing feels, how my thigh chafing feels and whether or not my hair looks adorable (it doesn’t).
Other times, my brain skips around and I think about fantastical things, like how much of a splash I could make if I ran right into a puddle on the Bridle Path.
This morning, I didn’t want to think about my run. I just wanted to do it — six miles, slow pace, felt great — and in the meantime, think about other fun things…
Like what I would do if I ruled the world.
Dun dun dunnnn.
I tried to keep my thoughts to semi-realistic things. So not, like, everyone is rich! We all have mansions! Puppies for all!
Instead, I thought about some changes I’d actually like to make, and which laws I’d put into effect, if I had the power.
First, I think it’s obvious to state that if I did happen to rule the world, I would get a tiara and it would be very sparkly. I would also like a throne, but not one with that weird crushed-velvet-velour-whatever fabric, because those create static cling, and I can’t risk getting my fancy Dri-Fit gowns riddled with static.
And now, instead of a big, deep, thought-provoking post like I know, I totally always do, I will share with you all of my “If I Ruled The World” thoughts that I dreamed up during my run today…
Airport bathroom stalls would be huge. That’s right, huge. I find myself traveling alone somewhat frequently, which means I can’t just leave my suitcase with my airport companion while I hit up the restrooms. No, I have to cart my giant purse, my laptop and my wheely suitcase to the bathroom — and into the stall — with me. It’s such a pain, and I inevitably manage to squeeze everything in there and then get stuck trying to wiggle my way back out. The door hits the suitcase and knocks it over, and then I bend down to pick it up, and my purse falls off my shoulder and onto the ground. Next thing you know, my laptop has gone for a swim in the toilet. Or you know, it almost does. Airport bathrooms need to be bigger so I can haul my luggage into them and still be able to open and close the stall door.
See? These are simple requests.
New York City sidewalks would be for power walkers only. You’re not in a rush? Then move. Go lay in the park. Go hang out in your apartment. If you’re not hustling to get where you need to be, move it along and get out of the way. (One year, I made a resolution to control my sidewalk rage. I was unsuccessful. That resolution was stupid anyway.)
Just like the way highways have speed limits, sidewalks would have speed minimums. Imagine how efficient life could be!
That “Never Have I Ever” game would be banned from all post-collegiate parties. Nothing is worse than hanging out with friends, and someone saying, “We should play a drinking game,” and then someone suggesting, “Oh! Never Have I Ever!” And also, your boyfriend is there. And your parents. This game shouldn’t really exist. It’s terrible and judgey and let’s just let the past stay the past.
Babies and puppies would potty train themselves. OK, maybe this one is a long-shot and not totally realistic, but I’m throwing it out there anyway.
The sink counters in public restrooms would always be dry. There must be technology that can make this happen. Like a constant heater or blow-dryer or something. I realize a lot of my rules so far have to do with bathrooms, but it’s because I’m a regular there. And I hate it when I’m washing my hands in a public bathroom and I lean a little too close to the sink and suddenly my entire waist is soaked. How does that even happen?
While we’re talking about bathroom things, here’s another…
The Central Park bathrooms would all open at 5 AM and close at 10 PM every day. Every single day. This is important. Not “on sunny days” or “in the summer.” Every day.
Cigarette smoking would be illegal. Super illegal. The most illegal of all the things. Violators would be punished hard. I personally would make sure of it. I think I hate cigarette smoke more than anything ever. A person walking in front of me on the sidewalk who blows smoke directly into my face actually has the ability to ruin at least five minutes of my day. It’s the worst. And I don’t know if smokers know this, but it’s actually not very good for you. Something about lung cancer. Or emphysema. Or looking ugly. I don’t remember.
Fresh produce would be cheap. Or at least cheaper. OK, it would all be free. Just make it free. Free for Ali.
I love buying fresh fruits and vegetables, but it all goes bad so quickly, and I hate wasting money when I don’t get around to eating my food fast enough.
Lindsay Lohan and the Kardashians would never be leading stories — or covered at all — on the “Today” show or other, perhaps more hard-hitting, news shows. Keep that stuff where it belongs: on E! Or nowhere at all. It’s a sad, tragic day in this country when Kim Kardashian’s divorce makes headlines…for a month straight.
People would always give up their seats on the subway for the elderly, the pregnant and the cute little kids who look tired. It makes me sad when people don’t do this. If I’m ever really elderly or super pregnant, I’ll probably just sit on someone’s lap if they don’t want to get up for me.
Those Captcha codes on websites wouldn’t be so damn difficult to read. I am the worst at these things. It typically takes me about 12 tries before I decipher the code, and by that point my purchase has been cleared from my cart, my comment has been deleted and my Sudoku high score was erased. It’s so frustrating when I’m trying to type in the scrambled word but I can’t tell if I’m looking at a zero, the letter “O”, the letter “J” or a sketch of New Jersey.
People would be a little bit nicer, less judgmental and slightly happier. Just, you know, overall. No big deal.
My run wasn’t extraordinarily long today, so that’s as far as I got. I’m sure I can think of many more laws for when I’m eventually crowded Queen Of The World, but for now I’ll leave more of the fun to you if you’re up for it.
STATE YOUR LAWS: I’ll let you also run the world temporarily. So pretend you’re borrowing my tiara, and enlighten me. What would you do if you ruled the world?