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I Think I'm Figuring It Out
Rabbit Rabbit Rabbit! It’s June!
You may be aware that on the first day of every month, the first three words out of my morning breath-filled mouth are “Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit.”
Apparently saying that brings you good luck for the rest of the month.
But considering how the past few months have been going, I’m not sure I still believe in this little gimmick. So I still said the words this morning — and nudged a very sleepy Brian at 5 AM so he could say them, too — but I’m not relying on them.
This month, I’m making my own luck. Good things will happen not because I wished for them and made a deal with three imaginary bunnies, but because I worked for them. I’m so ready to put the past few months behind me — the injuries, the illnesses and the stress — and I’m eager to move into summer with a fresh, wicked perky attitude.
Yesterday, I got a very exciting promotion at work.
I am now the Editor in Chief at Dance Spirit. I get to write the editor’s note at the front of the magazine and everything. It’s very cool and I’m very honored, of course. After the company-wide email was sent out announcing the promotion, the entire day felt like my birthday. Everyone was so nice and so supportive.
Now the plan is to take yesterday’s energy and positivity not just through the rest of the month. I want to run with it for as long as I possibly can.
As the title of this post indicates, I think I’m really starting to find my groove in life and figure some things out. These past few months were a wake-up call for me, that’s for sure.
I always thought I could do it all. I love working hard. I thought nothing, including Crohn’s disease, could take me down. I thought I was the strongest, most motivated, excited-to-do-whatever-comes-my-way person in the world.
Sure, I can try to be those things.
But sometimes, I might fall short.
Sometimes I might fail entirely.
I may make mistakes and I may lose perspective.
I may harp on the things that really don’t matter much in the end.
I’m finally figuring out what’s important. I’m learning what to prioritize and, most importantly, I’m learning when to put the pressure on myself and when to ease up.
My schedule was always so rigid. My days were so packed with activities, meetings, must-dos and “every single thing is important and necessary right this moment” commitments. I’ve realized over the past few weeks that sure, I was productive most days, but I wasn’t always getting the most out of my efforts. I was flying through everything at rapid speed and not taking the time to reap the rewards.
Last night, I planned to leave work, go to the gym for a strength class or yoga, and then meet up with a friend later on.
But at 5:30 PM I was like, “Wait? Why am I going to the gym right now?” It just seemed so ridiculous. Why was I going to force myself to exercise when I had just been promoted? I should be celebrating!
And so I raged: I went to Bed Bath & Beyond.
It was fun for me. Back off.
I spent the rest of my night laying low with good friends and a really cute puppy.
At no point during the night did I think, “Man, I really should have gone to that Chisel class.” I used to beat myself up for skipping a workout or straying from my oh-so-crucial plan. Last night I couldn’t have cared less. I did what I wanted to do, not what I thought I should do.
And it was wonderful.
I did ride my bike over to my friend Lauren’s apartment. She lives six blocks away. It was a huge ride.
I also ran with Parker for roughly one block. That’s a big deal, too.
Brian and I didn’t go out to dinner until 10 PM — much later than I usually like to eat.
I was in bed far later than I would have liked considering I had a 6:15 AM spin class booked for today.
So I didn’t get enough sleep. So what?
I spent many, many years beating myself up and telling myself I wasn’t good enough: I wasn’t fast enough. I wasn’t smart enough. I trained better than I raced. I had love handles and thick thighs. I never fully get through an entire To-Do list. I can’t cook. I don’t eat enough vegetables. I’m too lazy to tweeze my eyebrows. I don’t take very good care of my hair.
Where was all that getting me?
Well, it got me a whole bunch of Crohn’s flare-ups.
I call bullshit. It’s all so silly and stupid. Yes, I want to excel and be good at things, but my goodness, falling short sometimes should not be the end of my world!
I don’t foresee my “I’m too hard on myself and I’m wired for stress” syndrome fully going away anytime soon. But I’m so aware of it now, and I hate how it affects me and the people around me. (Hi Brian!)
So starting this month, I’m prioritizing better. I’m spending more time with people I love and less time with people who suck. I’m getting important things done and saving silly tasks for another time. I’m visiting my nephew. I’m playing with puppies.
I vow to stress less in June. It’s summertime! What’s so stressful about that?
A STRESS-FREE JUNE: Who’s with me?!